70. Longing To Be Alone – Journal Entry 26th Jun 1981

After the work for the day is done, the dishes washed after dinner and the family have gone to their rooms, sometimes a feeling washes over me; I would like to be alone to do whatever I wish.

Usually, this desire is not very strong or isn’t there at all. I love Johnny and his company, however, occasionally I long for a corner where I can go to be by myself. The feeling doesn’t last long but I wonder about it. Does Johnny feel the same way too? What triggers this particular antisocial feeling? On the occasional night that Johnny is away, there seems a quiet time, a freedom, where one can do whatever one wishes.

Today, I wanted to lie in the dark, by myself. This could have been brought on by Johnny filling out the Census, asking me how old I was and at what age I had left school. Then mum chimed in saying she left school after grade three, what a sad life she had not being able to join into the writing games at the National Fitness Club and how Barbara would not crochet to keep herself occupied.

I retired to the little room and lay on my stomach in the dark. I knew Johnny was occupied with the Census forms so I had a few minutes to myself. I also knew that when he came to the study, he would ask me what I was doing in the dark.
Sure enough:
“What are you doing?” he asks several times.
“Why are you lying there?” several times more.
“Why don’t you apply your standards to yourself? If Barbara did that, you would go berserk.” Or words to that effect, I’m not sure of the exact phrase.

The comparison to Barbara is an uncomfortable one and something that has occurred to me often. Is this the manifestation of “going round the bend”, this withdrawal that is so noticeable and painful in Barbara and for which she is put on Melleril? And for which she is kept busy? Or is it a response to our almost continuous “keep Barbara busy” campaign?

Writing about the way I feel helps to sort out my thoughts, otherwise, my thinking is muddled, over emotional and explosive. I’m not sure though, whether I’m clearer in my thinking this evening.
What did I expect Johnny to ask? “Darling, are you alright?”
And on receiving my muffled, “Yes, thank you,” for him to leave discreetly? Why? To him it was yet another instance of Gita flopping around, not doing anything.
Or is it simply a product of feeling full after an excellent dinner cooked by Johnny and having my periods?

Time for a shower.

Recently I have been most unsure of myself, feeling inadequate, ignorant, unreliable and unstable. I had made an enquiry unthinkingly, with all sorts of wrong assumptions, and hurt the feelings of an old lady; on another occasion I said something that angered Johnny and I felt annoyed with myself that he was annoyed at me; and finally, I didn’t do well in Calculus, an easy subject, not using the time set aside for study.

Also, I nag or criticise the family and on some days, I pick on everyone. Why do they have to put up with me?

Bah, this is boring.

Perhaps, as Johnny says, I have a curious paralysis when actual work has to be done. Oh, I can talk and plan and get excited but the parsnips don’t get buttered.

27th Jun 1981

What right do I have to be upset? I suppose in my menstrual condition, any little incident can set me off-track.

Early this morning, frustrated at my inability to sort out computer programs, I went outside.

The mist was heavy. The clothes on the line, grass and lettuces were covered with dew, and the morning was mysterious; familiar sights looked strange. Two Rouen ducks were standing on the lawn near the Guinea chicks’ cage. A dog had been marauding again and several birds had been taken in the night because we had failed to repair the fence.

There was a distinctly eerie feel about the day.

KarenProfileCircle120NOTES

  • This journal entry is part of the My Mother’s Voice – Journal Series and based on the journals of my mother.
  • These posts are meant to be read in sequence and the Preamble post marks the beginning of the journal series. Refer to Archived on the Home page and scroll through to the bottom.

46. Day of the Cyclone – Journal Entry 24th Feb 1980

It’s Sunday and the time is 4:50 pm. Destructive Cyclone Simon, also called Small Destructive Cyclone Simon, is 40 km away NNE and travelling toward us at 10 km/h. The wind in the centre is said to be over 200 km/h, and right now there are gusts at about 50 km/h. Six or eight roofs in Yeppoon have been damaged.

28th Mar 1980

Dear Joan,

What a wonderful surprise your letter was. It had very bad effect really because it arrived just as I was making a ‘fair copy’ of an Algebra assignment. After reading your letter, I found I was making too many mistakes and wasting sheets of paper. So, I decided to stop and write to you instead! If there are mistakes in this letter, you were the cause of them.

It’s nearly three months since you left. I saw Fr. Meade once when Johnny and I were at the airport leaving for Canberra. I met Nadine at the supermarket and she gave me news of you.

Speaking of mores and depression, I fully agree with you. When we left Manila to come back to Emu Park, I hurt for over a year. Actually, that was because we had left my mother and sister behind in rather uncertain conditions and circumstances. It took two years before we were reunited. I used to have nightmares. My sister had a bad nervous breakdown.

It does get harder as the years go by and we begin to appreciate people a lot more than we did when we were inexperienced. Let us not talk of age; right now I think life has never been so good for me and that a whole new world and perspective is before me. I have the privilege to participate, if I make an effort. I feel you also are very privileged and can do many more things in Brisbane than Rocky. So go to it my dear, use your time well, very well; you have no right to do otherwise. But also remember, being a delightful companion to your family is the number one priority, they need you, especially now when they are hurting too.

Your Australorp rooster is in full glory, he has the run of the yard and thirty hens besides. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to enjoy the chooks, there’s always study or family to attend to.

Marcello has a fine lot of Rouen ducks and they quack in unison when anyone calls out to them, especially at feeding time. Marcello works now, deciding that higher studies were not for him. I’m hoping quietly that he will do so someday because he has a good brain and should use it. But then I suppose most mothers feel that way. Monika has had a boy-child. Naturally, his grandmother in Emu Park thinks he is the most beautiful baby in the world! His hair, a dramatic black when he was born, is now a light brown colour which threatens to turn golden. Marcel Nathaniel has lovely brown skin. We’ve accused Monika of sun-tanning him on the quiet.

Lynne is also taking Computer Science I, so I see her at lectures when I attend them. Computing is fun but a hard art to master. Someone can write a program, however, an elegant one is a different matter. Intelligibility is the keyword, my Johnny tells me.

Johnny is as gorgeous as ever but overworked as usual. I look forward to the time he has less to do and can write poetry and novels and play the flute. He writes beautifully and I have a whole case of love letters to prove it.

Talking about books, Johnny bought me a crop of D. H. Lawrence books which I raced through; I should say I read voraciously. Also D. Ireland books and a very interesting study by Dr Kamien on community medicine among the Bourke Aboriginals. At the moment I am reading Manning Clark’s A History of Australia and am up to the age of Macquarie.

I don’t know if I told you that I joined a group known as the CIAE Search Group which helps people identify their problems and suggest solutions. At the moment we are working with the Aboriginal community groups as well as a group of Aboriginal delegates from central Queensland. We held our first 1980 workshop recently (the first for me) which was very exciting. A further weekend workshop with the delegates is scheduled for Rocky and Gladstone. Hervey Bay and a few others will be making requests soon I think. Reg is in charge and these workshops come under community development. If you are interested I could tell you more in some future letter.

I hear much laughter from the kitchen. It’s my mother who enjoys seeing the baby smile, laugh or make noises. She makes more noises than the baby! The kids won’t agree with the last statement. They will tell you I am much more noisy with the baby, but don’t believe it, it’s not true.

The weather is so beautiful, especially as we’re heading fast towards winter. The sunshine, butterflies, the egg-laying-cackle of the chooks and even the chatter of the builders below make me feel so good to be alive. What does it matter if there are a few mosquitoes around, the lawn needs to be done again and Gran’s garden has more weeds than veggies in it? We’ll get around to them sometime, but in the meantime, everything smells good, the sea is calm and I’m writing to you. At least I was writing to you, but now I’ve come to the end of my letter.

Look after yourself and give my regards to the family.

Love,
Gita
PS: Do practice your letter writing on me!

KarenProfileCircle120Notes and Links

  • This journal entry is part of the My Mother’s Voice – Journal Series
  • These posts are meant to be read in sequence and the Preamble post marks the beginning of the journal series. Refer to Archived on the Home page.
  • A map of where we lived and a family tree are also at the bottom of the Home page, click here.
  • Added Nathaniel to the Emu Park Family Tree.

37. Language, Emotion and Disease – Journal Entry 24th Feb 1979

Notes from Wallace Ellerbrock, MD: Language, Emotion and Disease, Omni Nov 78

  • Objective knowledge is a myth; all “knowledge” being based on biases in “perception” and “cognition” is subjective and emotionally determined.
  • There is no such thing as a fact. Any verbal statement is an opinion. Any statement can be called an opinion or a fact and if called an opinion, it leaves the possibility of an error. If called a fact, neurotically expressing a belief that the statement is gold-plated, it is never to be questioned. More importantly the mind is turned off that fact (not questioning).
  • There are only two emotions, like and dislike – all others are components of one of these plus a personally formulated comment about “reality”. For example, lonely means “I am alone” and “I don’t like being alone”.
  • Anger and depression are not separate emotions. Anger, reality as I perceive it, does not match my image of how it ought to be, but I think there is something I can do about it. Depression is the same, but I think there is nothing I can do about it.
  • Negative emotions are associated with unnecessary disturbances of bodily mechanisms, proportional to the duration and intensity of the negative emotional state. Such reactions are not limited to a particular organ. All bodily organs and cells express their response to such brain states in various ways. If you are angry or depressed about your job, your stomach acids will either go up or down, your blood pressure will go up or down, your glands will increase or decrease their functioning, and so on.
  • Consider the concept of “stress”. There are two reactions. If the stress makes you miserable, your body will have all kinds of deleterious reactions. If it is enjoyable, your body will function better than ever, up to the limits of the body’s installations.
  • Learn to quickly identify the onset of anger and depressive feelings in yourself.
  • Pick something you don’t want to happen to you, such as a removal of an organ for instance, and when something happens that would normally make you angry or unhappy, ask whether giving in to these negative feelings is worth the disease price you’ll have to pay.
  • Discontinue any medications that are central nervous system depressants.
  • Use alcohol in trivial amounts as it is the worst brain depressant.
  • Start observing other people: their postures, their choice of words, tones of voice, pitch and levels of stress. Study the reactions of others and try to guess what is going on in their heads. And then watch yourself. Shoulder posture – down and forward is depressed, up and forward is hostile whereas up and back gives you a feeling that you are working towards the control of your own reality.
  • Decide each morning that throughout the day, whatever happens, it will not make you as angry or as unhappy as it would have the day before.
  • Get rid of the words “got to”, “have to”, “should”, “must”, “ought to” and “will power”. You can’t do anything except what you want to do – so enjoy it.

Notes from The Medium Is The Massage (sic) by Marshall McLuhan

  • The personal and social consequences of any medium i.e. of any extension of ourselves, result from the new scale that is introduced into our affairs by each technology or extension of ourselves.
  • Automation technology is integral and decentralised in depth. The machine was fragmentary, centralist and superficial in it’s patterning of human relationships.
  • Medium is the message because medium shapes and controls the scale and form of human association and action.
  • The medium is the message and one should not be distracted by the content.

Notes on writing by author Georges Simenon and advice by editor Colette

  • Colette’s advice to Simenon: “It almost works. But not quite. You are too literary. You must not be literary. Suppress all the literature and it will work…”
  • Simenon makes the habits and idiosyncrasies of his characters so known to the reader that each and every reader emotionally equates the character with the person of his most intimate acquaintance, himself. Similarly, localities realised in such exact and penetrating detail can be treated by the reader’s emotions only as the one locality we have all apprehended in truly vivid detail, the setting of our childhood.
  • All his life, Simenon has not just observed but simulated man and woman: their loves, deliriums, obsessions, the secret hiding places of their mind, their urge towards self-realisation or self-destruction. Above all, he’s imagined and lived through the character’s loneliness.
  • If there is to be any art, if there is to be any aesthetic doing and seeing, one physiological condition is indispensable – frenzy. It must first have enhanced the excitability of the whole machine, or else there is no art. All kinds of frenzy, however diversely conditioned, have the strength to accomplish this, but above all, the frenzy of sexual excitement – this most ancient and original form of frenzy.

How to make pizza

Make a big batch of pizza dough and prepare the pizza bases to rise in a warm place.

Make the sauce for the base: fry chopped onion and garlic in olive oil, add tomato puree, add chopped oregano and basil, and salt and pepper to taste.

Top bases with pizza sauce and your favourite flavours:

  • Mince, as in bolognaise sauce
  • Bacon and cheese, fry chopped bacon and spread on base with thin slices of mozzarella
  • Kabana, sliced thinly, pan fried then spread thickly over base with pizza sauce on top

Cook on high for 10 mins then turn down for 35 mins.

KarenProfileCircle120Notes and Links

  • Click here to go to my blog Home page
  • This journal entry is part of the My Mother’s Voice – Journal Series
  • The Preamble post marks the beginning of the series and can be found here